she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize