I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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