just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
