I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
