yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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