We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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