Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
