Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize