I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
