Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
