just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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