My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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