So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize