Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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