tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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