I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
