she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
