A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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