I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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