do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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