The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
