no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize