There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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