he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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