I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
