From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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