Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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