The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
