She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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