lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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