Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
