I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
