is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
