ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
