i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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