you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
