i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
