I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My vagina just recognized that song.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
