i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My life is pants optional.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
