Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
