when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
