Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize