I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
