thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also, beer. Big fan.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize