I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
