My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
