Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
