Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
