Three words: puerto rican gang bang
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
