Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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