So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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