don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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