Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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