I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
