i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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